Animal
Jokes
1. A guy walks into
a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator
up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and
place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his
mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll
remove my unit unscratched. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd
murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped
the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay
anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell
over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the
head with the beer bottle".
2. There once was
a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons,
the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from
his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer
set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the country
to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.
The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."
The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"
The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens
can have more chickens and lay more eggs."
The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster
over there... he'll do all your chickens for you." The
rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing
heavily.
The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding.
That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like
there's no tomorrow."
The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I
guarantee he'll do all your chickens and you'll end up
with more eggs than you could ever imagine."
Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees,
"Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up
Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck. As soon
as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out
of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with
one, he does another, and another...
The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going
to hurt yourself!"
Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails
that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just
as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the
chickens, he runs after the dog, and does him too. The
farmer is starting to get a little worried. Brewster then
does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals
too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife! Some
time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere.
He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster
on his back, motionless, with a flock of vultures
circling overhead.
The farmer cries out to himself, "Oh no! I told him to
be careful! Now look what's happened."
Brewster opens one eye and whispers, "Shhh! They're about
to land."
3. A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was
not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring
the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced
the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a
great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more
thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came
back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened
the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.
The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back
to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog
is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly
could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!" screamed the woman. "What did you
do that cost $330?"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit
and $300 for the cat scan."
4. A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow. The
horse fell into a mud hole and is started to sink. The
horse instructed the chicken to get the farmer so that
he could be pulled to safety. The chicken ran to the farm
but the farmer was nowhere to be found.
Without a moment to spare, the chicken got into the farmer’s
BMW and drove back to the mud hole. Then, the chicken
tied some rope around the bumper, threw the other end
of the rope to her friend, the horse, and proceeded to
pull the horse to safety. A few days later, the chicken
and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time
around, the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken
instructed the horse to get the farmer so that she could
be pulled to safety.
Replied the horse, "Here’s the plan... I’ll stand over
the hole..." The horse stretched over the length of the
hole and continued, "Now, just grab for my penis and pull
yourself to safety."
The chicken obliged reluctantly and pulled herself to
safety.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you
don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
More
animal jokes
