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Animal Jokes

5. Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
The first man, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square". The second man, an accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule". The third man, a chemist, had a dog called "Measure". The fourth man was a Union member. To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk and, with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle onto some paper. Everyone agreed that that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide the cookies into four equal piles of three each.
Everyone agreed that that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, proclaimed that his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard, and then poured exactly eight ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the Union member and said, "Hey, pal, what can your dog do?" The Union member stood up, called his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, and then went home on sick leave.

6. Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner. "What do I owe you?" asked the woman.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people... you're always trying to overcharge us summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being ripped off?"
"Raisin' porcupines, Ma'am."

7. A highly timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx. He cleared his throat and then asked, "Um, err, which one of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his chair, and looked down at the quivering little man. "It's my dog. Who's asking?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed your Doberman, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"A four week old puppy!" roared the biker, "How could your four week old puppy kill my Doberman?"
"Well, it appears that your Doberman choked on it, sir."

8. A good whale and a bad whale are swimming aimlessly in the middle of the ocean, when one of them notices a whaling ship nearby. "Hey!" says the bad whale. "Let's go ram that ship and sink it!"
"Oh, no! We couldn't do that!" acknowledges the good whale, angelically. The bad whale thinks for a minute... "Well then, let's at least swim in circles around it and spray the people on board."
The good whale agrees reluctantly. They swim over to the boat and spray water from their blow holes. During the commotion, one of the sailors falls overboard.
"Quick!" says the bad whale. "Now's your chance! Go eat him up!"
"Listen buddy," replies the good whale, "I agreed to do the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen!"

9. Three mice were sitting in a bar bragging about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot of Bailey’s and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and just as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that, the mouse slams another shot of Bailey’s.
The second mouse slams a shot of Bailey’s and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them jjust for the fun of it." And with that, the mouse slams another shot of Bailey’s.
The third mouse slams a shot of Bailey’s, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then ask of the third mouse, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse turns casually and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."